The
current breakdown in communication between parents and children in Russia has
been festering for decades — long before Perestroika: At least six generations
of Russians were never taught how to bond, nor to be friends with their
children.
I am not referring to the kind of friendship in which there are no boundaries
or control, but a friendship in which parents enjoy and respect their children,
and allow for their individuality as they grow.
This kind of nurturing has, until recently, been totally absent from Russian
parenting; we are only seeing glimpses of it now that parents travel, read
parenting books and observe that there are other ways to shape their children
other than the way they were taught.
But there is a long journey ahead toward what I would call healthy, happy
parenting.
As a rule, Russian parents don’t compliment their children enough. After a
certain age, once the children enter school, parents are no longer affectionate
in their language and tone. Yet the first step in nourishing Russian family
life is for us to praise our children in ways we were never praised as kids
ourselves.
Healing a History of Family Trauma
At least six generations have been taught to indulge their power at the expense
of their children. During Soviet times, the only way a Soviet citizen -
traumatized if not “spooked” by the State - could “feel the power” was by
bossing younger people around.
Children were there to be controlled. As a result, several generations were
raised as gods and slaves. There was no communication encouraged between family
members, and the joy of family life was crushed.
In order to bond with children, Russian parents need to start forming a
friendship as soon as their children are born, bearing in mind that they are no
worse than you just because they weigh less or measure less in height. This is
the kind of respect we have to start fostering in Russia. I will go even
further by saying that children are smarter than adults!
If you can start perceiving children as fully legitimate members of the society
right from the beginning, you are able to step into their shoes without bossing
them around. Discuss any issues that may arise by listening to their arguments
and proposing your own.
We expect our children to be better copies of ourselves, or some kind of trophy
achievers. We have not learned that our children do not have to do what we do
and like what we like. This concept of, dare I say it, God’s creation, an
individual, is also almost completely absent in Russia.
What can you expect from a nation that has been deprived of its most educated
people, including clergy, in the first quarter of the 20th century? The clergy
was exterminated while “intelligentsia” of all sorts were deported from the
earliest days after the revolution.
I am not sure I can name all of the reasons behind the malaise of the modern
family. But it involves a great lack of trust and, secondly, failure to
acknowledge the sacred rights of others. These same generations of people have
been taught to take what belongs to others.
What did the Bolsheviks do in 1917? They implemented a policy of pillage. They
forged the sense that someone else’s property is always, potentially, yours.
This is one of the major causes of our lost moral compass, our cynicism. Why
are we failing at becoming a properly capitalist country? Capitalism rests on
two giants - on the recognition of the sacred right to private property and on
trust. The trust element has fallen apart completely and the private property right
is simply not part of our worldview.
In Russia, some think that someone else’s husband is potentially their
property, and the same goes for someone else’s wife. Even at school, girls
start sizing up other people’s pockets.
Let’s consider a woman who is young, attractive and married. In Russia, she
might start looking for a new partner among her husband’s friends. If she
entered the marriage as a way of getting on the “upward mobility ladder,” no
one can expect her to be faithful and, subsequently, there can be no trust. She
keeps looking for a wealthier spouse, while her partner may explore
opportunities with women as objects, younger and more sexually attractive every
time.
Of course there are many wonderful exceptions to these schemes, namely Russian
romantics who get married in the hopes of spending their lives together. This
kind of love and trust occurs in Russia as it does everywhere else. But just
not frequently enough. It’s time to foster trust, and pass it on to our
children.
Before it’s too late.
Elena Zaretskaya, a Doctor of Philology, is head of the Department of Social Sciences at the Russian Presidential Academy of National Economy and Public Administration and professor and creator of the “communicative education in Russia” concept and other communication techniques.