If Russia was a Tinder bio! 

Alexander Kislov
Here’s how Russia’s profile could look like on a dating website. Would you swipe right?

RUSSIA, 1159

General info: Sorry, guys, but size matters… I prefer it when it’s 17 million square kilometers. It is what it is.

I’ve never been an exclusive girl, and often like to have double the fun, so I tend to spread myself across Europe and Asia, which makes me the largest country in the world. Can you handle that?

I'm the mother of 146 million children. But don’t worry, they’re asleep for 118 days a year. Additionally, most of them live in cities, and I spend most of my time in places like forests, steppes and polar landscapes. So, they won’t bother us.

Achievements: Kicked out Napoleon and Hilter and discovered Antarctica. I did also give the world Tetris… sorry about that. But don’t worry, it’s totally curable, and usually goes away after some treatment.

Personality: I’m calm but heavy-handed. I’ve had some bad experiences in the past, so can often resort to harsh rhetoric and, sometimes, force. But only if you get on my bad side. 

Kind of a slow learner, but easy going. I did mention above that I like to get naughty, which sometimes results in things like violent power struggles and regime change - several within the space of a century. 

You’re welcome to try and find the shortest route to my heart, but there are no easy ones: I’m a rural girl, and most of me is unpaved, unless we’re talking major cities. Sorry, guys, I’m kinda old school that way.

Dowry: Not for sale. But when it comes to feelings, all my stuff is at your service: if they’re willing, I’m able to help almost anyone on Earth to overcome difficulties. Some even envy my natural gas reserves, which are the biggest in the world. And my oceans of oil can make anyone wet. Remember - I’m the 11th economy in the World by GDP. With me, you either go big or go home!

Close Friends:“A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma” – all of that is about me. Close friends don’t mind, they just accept it. So do I: Collective Security Treaty Organization countries (Armenia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan) can rely on me. But I have to confess - falling in love with someone from far away is in my nature, too.

Occupation: Peacekeeping, standing up for the weak, mentoring (sometimes), science and sports are totally my thing.

Favorite games: Hockey, soccer, figure skating, MMA are what I’m great at. But I’ve begun to infect the world with the tank biathlon and the new sport of slapping, endemic only to me!

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